So there i was in bed, on my way to a happy nights sleep when all the sudden i thought, "Hmm let's play some guitar." So i started play some guitar, some Hillsong (because that's what i play most of the times). Then i switched over to playing some bass licks on my guitar and that of "Came to the Rescue" (because that's my second favorite Hillsong bass riff. listen to the bass in the bridge. i think you'll agree.) After playing the riff a couple of times, i put my guitar back and lay down once again to try to go to sleep.
Then i heard God. At first i discredited it because i usually think it's just me thinking. But it was the most peculiar command I've ever heard from him.
One word and you can see why i tend to think it's just me thinking.
But here i am.
Whether it was God or my own thoughts, i'm here blogging.
So away we go.
My dad has this theory. The first time i ever heard it i laughed at him.
Theory in my words:
Part 1-When kids are young, they always claim to see things; imaginary friends, monsters in the closet, etc. We always go along with their claims because it's good for a child's imagination and let's be honest, who really wants to crush a kid's spirits by telling him his "friend" isn't real? We let them believe what they want to believe. To a kid, what they see is real.
Part 2-When people get really old and knocking on heaven's door, they too start seeing things. People who aren't there and events that aren't really happening. We go along with it because we just want to keep them alert and around. To us they are senile. To them, what they see is real.
Part 3-What if the children and the senile have it right and we are the ones who are in a deniable state of living.
My dad takes a more humorous go at it from a whole x-files approach but still an interesting thought to dwell upon.
i've been thinking about this a lot recently and haven't really come to an understanding why until just about two minutes ago. Even as i wrote that theory out, i didn't really know where i was going but i think i got it now.
For the longest of times i looked at miracles as something unobtainable in my life.
i had dreams of course, but most of them i didn't think possible and or that i just didn't have enough faith to even begin to fathom it actually happening.
That is until i got one of my own last week.
~Rewind to a little over two months ago~
Finals week of my freshman year at UTC. i finished two of my finals already and thought i was well on my way to making my calculated 3.321 GPA for the year, above my required 3.25 GPA to keep my provost schoalrship. Everything went as i thought. i felt good on my final two exams and went on my way to a backpacking trip with The House. Came back to Chatt, got on my computer to check my grades
I opened my UTC account to a 3.214 and this email:
The scholarship award that you received during the 2008-2009 Academic Year will not be renewed in the 2009-2010 Academic Year"
~commence bombing here~
Turns out in one of my classes i received a 78.6. Had i gotten a 79.5, i would have hit the 3.25 mark plus some.
So i did what any normal student would do: i begged and pleaded with the proffesor to up the grade to the B.
All to no avail.
So there i was with only the Hope to speak of, no additional money to aid my living in another city.
i began to write an appeal letter to Financial Aid to try and get them to do something. It sat on my desktop for almost an entire month.
i didn't think that it would make any difference.
i verbalized it too.
i told my mom that it wouldn't do any good.
i believe it wouldn't work.
Side note: i went into UTC with every intention to transfer but quickly fell in love with the college ministry down there and was given absolutely every opportunity to play music and create amazing friendships.
It took me until spring break time to get myself fully around to the idea that UTC was where i was supposed to be.
Two months later i find no possible financial way of getting back to the place that i know is right for me in this time.
Things didn't get much better finding out that i had a ton of friends coming to UTC/LeeU. i lied to most of them when talking about it. i didn't want them to know that there was a good chance in my mind that i wasn't gonna be back.
i sent out my letter in mid june. At this point i am thinking that there is no way they are gonna overturn their decision. Even if they were to change their minds, it's too late now.
i mean i know He was there the entire time, but i didn't see Him.
i was too angry that all this went down.
i couldn't fathom the idea of me having to be away from all i've grown to love.
Too many people, places, events i'd miss too much.
Why would God do this? It didn't even make sense in one bit.
I went to my church's youth camp. I was a leader for 9th and 10th grade boys with one of my old leaders from when i was in the youth group Bill Middleton. Day three rolls around and his wife's dad dies so they leave camp, no one tells me, i show up to small groups and i'm all by myself. i had to laugh about it. it ended up going great though so i can't complain.
Over the week there i just kept getting the sense to just give it up.
There's this skit that many groups do to Lifehouse's "Everything" (if you haven't seen it jump on youtube and find it. but take whatever you find there and times the intensity of it by about forty. i mean the guys who did it put so much passion into it that it wasn't even them performing but God working through them to drive it home. Connor Brennan played Jesus and told me before they did that skit that he became a Christian after watching that skit and when he heard that he got a part in the skit he prayed every night until that night that just one person could be affected like he was. i'd say half the room was crying, the other half in that stage between completely stunned and right before crying. i wish there was video footage of it because it litterally was incredible)
So they do this skit and i was just like alright God you got it. i no longer have control over this, You do because i can't. If i'm supposed to be home and go to college at MTSU, i know you're at work in that. If i'm supposed to go back to Chatt i trust that you will do it.
~commence lifting of weights~
i was different. Not in the over the top way but in the i just knew God was on my side no matter what.
And it was obvious. Most of you who have talked or been with me can agree that i am a different person in one way or another from the begining of june to right after.
It was like God was just there all along saying, don't put your faith in man.
Man will always fail you.
Just have a little faith.
Like a child who believes that his imaginary friend is real.
Like a senile old man who believes that a long lost friend is sitting right next to him.
Just a little bit and I'll show up.
So i gave it some faith.
~Insert Miracle here~
On June 25th, my mom brought in the mail.
There was a letter from Financial Aid.
My mom says the motherly, "Now understand it just could be them saying they couldn't do anything so let's not get our hopes up."
I open it.
I read a little bit.
So now i believe in miracles, even for my doing.
And i'm gonna start dreaming again.
i will hope again.
i have faith that my God will do what He wants regardless of what any academic institution decides to tell me.
He will do what He wants regardless of what my financial limitations tell me i can't do.
He will do what He wants regardless of what any one might say or do to prevent it.
(painting by taylor rae madge)
So here's my new thing
~i want to lead a big time worship night. One thing that i've discovered is that music is apart of me. God wired me that way. i saw Hillsong United @ Belmont in May and Let me tell you that you didn't even see them. Does that make sense? Like they were so into worship that it was like they weren't even on the stage playing. It was all worship to the point that it was tangible. i want to bring that passion and pure abandonment to all those around me. even for just one night.
~i want to go to Africa. i have opportunities to do it, i just have to act on them all. Ever since seeing Invisible Children, it was been a dream of mine. So there is no surprise that it makes the dream list.
i'll keep adding to this as dreams arise
that's all for now
Oh and i don't think it was coincidence that i was playing Came to the Rescue right before i started writing this:
"My whole life i place in Your hands
God of mercy humbled i bow down
In Your presence at Your throne
And i called, You answered
And You came to my rescue
And i want to be where You are"